I saw Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith yesterday, and figured I’d share my pain.
ANAKIN: Hello, I am Hayden… I mean, Anakin Skywalker. I’m sorry that your boyfriend dragged you to this movie, but look how pretty my hair is. In about an hour there will be some awkward romantic dialogue, so go to the bathroom during this space fight.
OBI-WAN: Anakin, you are rebellious and constantly disobey my orders, but since it always seems to turn out for the best I will find it endearing and ignore the other Jedi when they tell me you are dangerous. Look out! There’s an ILM render farm at 10 o’clock!
R2D2: I will inexplicably play a pivotal role in this battle, using abilities that I have somehow lost by Episode IV.
DROIDS: Throughout this movie we will not fire our weapons at the Jedi, even if their backs are turned to us.
DOOKU: Now that I have crushed Obi-Wan with a large chunk of spaceship, I will forget how to operate a lightsaber and let you beat me.
PALPATINE: Do I look enough like the Emperor yet or have you people still not caught on? Would it help if I told Anakin to kill this guy?
ANAKIN: I know that is a bad idea, and will emphasize my point with exaggerated facial expressions, but then again, what the hell?
OBI-WAN: Surprise! I am completely unharmed and will remain so no matter how much I get the crap beat out of me.
ANAKIN: That was a close call, but my piloting skills and good looks got us through it. I suppose it’s unfortunate that we just crashed a spaceship into the middle of a city, but at least we weren’t hurt. Does my hair look OK?
OBI-WAN: You have the hair of an angel, Anakin. In spite of the fact that I am a powerful Jedi Master, I cannot detect George Lucas’ fumbling attempts at foreshadowing and I am not at all upset that you just assassinated an unarmed man. Notice how that pun was funnier than anything in this movie?
PADME: Even though you are 10 years older than when we met, I am still a smoking hottie. If Hayden Christensen can hit this, there might be hope for you in the audience, too. Better watch the movie a few more times to be sure. Oh yeah, I’m pregnant. Somehow it took me seven or eight months to notice.
ANAKIN: That makes me happy, but not enough so that I will spend any time with you or stop trying to get myself killed. Also, we can’t tell anyone.
PADME: Apparently women are different in a galaxy far, far away, because I agree completely.
ANAKIN: You are going to die. That makes me sad, but again, not enough so to change anything.
PADME: You were right about your mother’s death, but I’m sure this is different. Plus I can’t die until Luke and Leia are born, so there’s nothing to worry about.
PALPATINE: Anakin, I am going to appoint you to the Jedi Council.
JEDI COUNCIL: Even though we value our independence, and we all think you’re dangerous, we’re cool with that. We’re going to piss you off by not making you a Jedi Master though.
JULES: English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?!
ANAKIN: I will throw a temper tantrum then!
JEDI COUNCIL: OK, we’ll piss you off more by sending Obi-Wan off to kill people, which, by the way, you really, really seem to like.
ANAKIN: Obi-Wan, I am sorry I lost my temper. Please let me placate you. Of course I will spy on my close friend. I’m just glad you don’t see that as a character flaw.
OBI-WAN: There is no need to placate me, Anakin. I couldn’t find my asshole with both hands and a Roto-Rooter. May the Force be with you.
OBI-WAN: I have come to kill you.
GRIEVOUS: I understand and will fight you one-on-one rather than ordering my droid army to kill you. You can tell I’ve killed a lot of Jedi because I have four lightsabers.
GEORGE LUCAS: Did you see that? FOUR lightsabers! Is this crap impressing anyone yet?!
OBI-WAN: Let’s have a fist fight! I’m sure I can beat a robotic soldier. Oops, I was wrong. I’ll just shoot you.
ANAKIN: Grievous is dead and you should resign.
PALPATINE: I would but I’m evil. The audience knew; where the hell have you been?
ANAKIN: Oh, my golden tresses have blinded me to the truth! Frailty, thy name is Skywalker!
MACE WINDU: We’re here to arrest you.
INDUSTRIAL LIGHT AND MAGIC: That makes sense, but wouldn’t let us show off the cool lightning we found in After Effects.
MACE WINDU: Very well, even though you cut those other three Jedi in half with one blow, I will fight you to an exhilarating showdown at the edge of a bottomless pit, because falling a long way is just how Jedi are supposed to die, damn it.
ANAKIN: Not so fast! First they have to have their arm cut off.
MACE WINDU: [Dies.]
PALPATINE: Thank you, Anakin, or should I say… Darth Vader? Ha ha! Bet you didn’t see that coming!
OTHER JEDI: Even though we can use the Force to deflect laser beams in midair, we cannot tell that people are sneaking up behind us with guns. [Die.]
ANAKIN: I’m evil now. You guys got that, right? I will kill some unarmed children, just to drive home the point.
OBI-WAN: That thousand-foot fall could really sting if you weren’t invincible. Oh wait, you already knew I lived. Damn, I guess there won’t be any plot twists after all.
YODA: You’d think I would have seen this coming. Oh well, let’s go kill Palpatine and Vader.
OBI-WAN: But wouldn’t that make us just as evil as the thing we’re trying to destroy? Is it really right for us to charge across the galaxy enforcing our brand of justice and our system of government? Or could it be that there is no absolute right and wrong and we’re acting out of fear and misunderstanding, just like our purported enemies?
GEORGE LUCAS: Those are interesting issues, but they are beyond my abilities as a writer.
OBI-WAN: Right then. Kill my friend it is.
PADME: I am neither CGI nor a bad actor. Why am I not in this movie more often?
ANAKIN: Let’s face it sweetheart, you’re boring. Try swinging a lightsaber or something.
OBI-WAN: I have to kill Anakin because he’s evil, sorry. By the way, I sense that he is the father of your children, even though I’m the only person in the galaxy who couldn’t read his facial expressions.
PADME: I am not OK with that. In fact, I will go tell Anakin about it right now. Please don’t follow me.
ANAKIN: Padme, I’m evil now! Isn’t it great? You should become evil too.
PADME: Um, let me sleep on that and get back to you.
ANAKIN: Here’s a better idea: I’ll choke you but not finish the job, because otherwise Luke couldn’t be born.
OBI-WAN: Let’s have a protracted lightsaber duel.
ANAKIN: [Shrugs.] Yeah, I have a few minutes.
YODA: I can’t walk without a cane, but that doesn’t keep me from being the best lightsaber fighter ever.
PALPATINE: Ow! Stop kicking my shins!
YODA: You knocked me on the floor. Time to call it a day and turn the galaxy over to you.
PADME: Time to squeeze out the twins just before I kick the bucket.
PADME: Oh, for crying out loud, it isn’t like it’s really a plot twist. [Dies.]
PALPATINE: I’m sorry Vader, but you killed Padme.
VADER: Are you sure? I don’t remember that at all.
PALPATINE: Yup, take my word for it and don’t look into it on your own. Also, check out the Death Star.
VADER: Oh god, Padme has been killed by my hubris, or George Lucas’ plot hole; it’s hard to tell. You can’t see my face anymore, so I will express my anger in a more subtle way by destroying everything in the room that isn’t bolted down… Hey, is that the Death Star?
There, now burn eight bucks – it’s more fun to watch.