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Things I Hate #131: Kid Rock

As if being a pizza delivery driver wasn’t a shitty enough job, now every couple hours I have to get excited by the opening bars of “Sweet Home Alabama”, only to have to listen to Kid Rock’s pretentious ass. (That’s right: giving yourself a stage name makes you pretentious by definition. Deal with it.) It’s exactly the same as when “Ice Ice Baby” starts up and you have a few glorious seconds of thinking it’s Queen, which just makes the letdown of hearing a shitty song that much worse.

If you have the sagacity and strength of character not to listen to the radio anymore, you might not know that I’m talking about Kid Rock’s new single, which I’m assuming is titled “All Summer Long”, since calling it “Sweet Home Alabama” wouldn’t gain him any cachet in his target demographic (8-13 year old upper-middle-class white males), who have never heard of Lynyrd Skynyrd. I’d Google the title, but I don’t want to give Mr. Rock the benefit of another pity hit.

It isn’t even that the song, or Kid’s music in general, is bad per se. His particular brand of rap is certainly less aesthetically offensive than most, and I’ll be the first to admit that he got a chuckle out of me the first time I heard the line, “I’m not straight out of Compton, I’m straight out’ the trailer.” It’s just that by this point in his “career” I would hope he could afford to pay someone to compose background riffs for him when he runs out of ideas, rather than ruining Skynyrd for me.

I know that artists don’t create in a vacuum, and all art is derivative of other art, blah blah blah. I’m just not clear on how an argument about art pertains to Kid Rock. I’m assuming that there’s an album of some sort to back up this single, in much the same way that car companies will sell a single car so that they can race it in “production” divisions, which I will be boycotting, in addition to destroying any copies I happen upon in record stores. And so at this point I must reluctantly conclude that Kid Rock is a waste of oxygen. I don’t mean that in the metaphorical sense. I mean that there are literally trillions of chemical reactions in which an oxygen molecule could participate which are more worthwhile than the ones keeping Kid Rock alive.

Fuck you, Kid Rock.

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