SeanTerrill.com » movies

Happy Belated Birthday, QT

webmaster — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 02:11:30 +0000

I was driving around the other day, trying to find a use for all the cranial capacity that goes un-utilized in my day to day life, and I started to wonder if there was some way to quantify some of my wholly unscientific views about Hollywood. Specifically, why some directors it seems can do no wrong, while others specialize almost exclusively in churning out multi-million-dollar pieces of shit. (One could also question why shitty directors keep getting work, but that way lies madness.) Fortunately, we now possess an unambiguous and statistically reliable means of quantifying how good movies are.

To give everyone budget parity, only movies released since 1990 are included, and to ensure good statistics (and keep Spike Lee’s dataset from being massive) only movies with more than 10,000 IMDb ratings are included.

I realize this is a bit of trainwreck, but if you study it for a moment some interesting trends actually become apparent. For starters, only two directors’ lines have positive slopes, and Fincher’s is essentially flat. Wes Anderson, however, could apparently direct the greatest movie ever made, given $345 million. Contrast that with Kevin Smith, who could helm the worst movie in history for a mere $142 million.

Another point worth noting is that the y-intercepts of the trend lines actually bracket a fairly narrow range, from 6.92 (Michael Bay) to 8.28 (Quentin Tarantino). And these two directors bring me to my last observation, and maybe a bit of insight into what’s wrong with Hollywood. Their curve fits exhibit what I would imagine to be the typical Hollywood trend of higher budgets corresponding to lower overall quality, although their slopes aren’t nearly as steep as some of the bigger names (Spielberg and Lee). In fact, if you disregard the nauseating outlier that is Pearl Harbor, they both trend within their own fairly narrow “quality bands” of a little over a point each, although of course there’s no overlap. Michael Bay’s best is rated lower than Tarantino’s worst. And yet the most a studio has ever thrown at Tarantino is $70 million. Michael Bay has only headed up one movie under that mark.

So, why does Hollywood reward mediocrity? I don’t know. Does Hollywood reward mediocrity? You bet your ass.

Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good Movies?

webmaster — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 03:52:06 +0000

Dear Hollywood,

We have a lot of history together – not all of it good, but we’ve had some laughs over the years. Lately, though, it’s become apparent to me that we’re moving in different directions. I think it would be best if we parted ways now, rather than try to carry on in this sham of a relationship. Please don’t call or write me.

P.S. This isn’t a race thing.

Violence Begets Awesome

webmaster — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 03:06:32 +0000

Amongst the population of adjectives that could be used to describe this, the only one more apt than “badass” is probably “illegal”, so don’t blame me if when you click on this link it isn’t there anymore. Barring that small problem (and the fact that I died a little inside when I read the phrase “OK Coral”) let nothing distract you from:

Total Recall: RT’s Favorite Gunfights

You can quibble with their choices (Bonnie and Clyde isn’t even a gunfight!), but nonetheless, here for our enjoyment is 95 minutes of some of the best violence ever committed to celluloid. That’s an entire feature film (and a half, for Jerry Bruckheimer) of violence, without all the tedious character development and smooching. Not that there’s anything wrong with smooching, provided it’s especially violent smooching.

Who Watches the Watchmen? I did.

webmaster — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 03:00:25 +0000

Seriously, you guys. Best. Movie. Ever.

Things you never thought you’d hear yourself say: “I was totally aroused during that Leonard Cohen song.”

Oh, and mad props to Netflix for making it so that I’m not too poor to rent movies.

Things I Hate #87: Mamma Mia!

webmaster — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:56:25 +0000

I just saw Mamma Mia!.

Maybe if you punch me in the balls I'll wake up and still be James Bond.

Wow. First of all, Pierce Brosnan should not sing. Ever. None of the main characters, with the exception of Meryl Streep, is even mediocre (they average about three lines per song before background singers bail them out), but his voice is like dragging an asthmatic cat across a blackboard. I spent a lot of this movie chuckling snidely, but the only times I actually laughed out loud were when I could tell Pierce was about to open his mouth.

And by the way, why is the exclamation point there? Is it just to force people to type sentences like, “I just saw Momma Mia!”? Well, I called your bluff, Universal. I only wish there was a punctuation mark that was the opposite of the exclamation point. A period just doesn’t do this movie justice.

To be fair, calling it a “movie” is a little misleading. The plot is borderline nonexistent, and by the end I still hadn’t caught all the main character’s names: that’s how little dialogue there is. It’s the flimsiest possible pretext for doing 90 minutes of ABBA songs in 108 minutes. There are three additional songs in the credits, just in case you hadn’t gotten enough ABBA yet. And there’s a reason those guys only topped the charts in Sweden. So this wasn’t the worst two hours of my life, but only because I’ve had dental surgery.

Critical and popular reaction to Mamma Mia! seems to be mixed; some reviewers point out the sketchy plot, lackluster singing, poor character development, and the winning combination of breakneck pacing with interminable length, while others highlight the OMG I’M 15 AND I LOOOOOVE ABBA! The movie rates a 6.7 at IMDb; that’s right: among people who are willing to watch Mamma Mia!, it gets three stars.

Which I guess brings me to the biggest problem with the film. The only people who will even be able to tolerate it are rabid ABBA fans. And if that’s your rationale for watching it, why not just listen to the music in the first place? The only way for a normal person to get through this movie is by drinking heavily. Don’t start at the beginning, though; you’ll want to be good and liquored up in time for the first scene.

Fuck you, Mamma Mia!.

Linky Linky

webmaster — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 04:28:03 +0000

So I don’t have to thinky thinky.

I want to move to the UK, just so I can read their editorials. Seriously, this is what passes for an opinion piece over there. It’s more important, and a damn sight better written, than what passes for news on our side of the pond – even if I don’t get the references.

BBC NEWS | UK | Magazine | What porn is really for

And call me a Creep, but Hannah Montana, if you’re really so desperate to get publicly fucked over by an unkempt, pasty blond guy, come on over. You’re legal in Indiana.

Miley Cyrus Snubbed By Radiohead, Vows to “Ruin Them” : Rolling Stone : Rock and Roll Daily

I watched Bolt tonight, which is an OK flick, especially for being made by Disney (damn, I’m just beating up on Eisner projects tonight) and starring Travolta. And even though it’s a blatant Animaniacs rip-off, I couldn’t help but LOL at this scene. Pigeons with New York accents are just hilarious. I literally cannot think of a funnier bird/accent combination. An Australian penguin might come close.

Berlin

webmaster — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 22:29:20 +0000

Berlin is a fantastically cool city. It’s the first place we’ve been so far where I could really see myself living. You have basically all of the last century of world histary within walking distance, plus a rocking night life every day of the week and a large immigrant population giving you good, affordable food and enough spoken English to be pretty comfortable for even someone with my miserable German. We intended to stay for two days, which turned into three, and I want to go back again. We found another free walking tour, provided by a company that also sponsored a pub crawl, and then yesterday we went to the Sachsenhausen concentration camp, so our time was pretty full, but even just staying in the same place for three nights starts to feel relaxing after a while. Last night I went with two Canucks and an Aussie to a movie (Ocean’s 13 – don’t bother), but somehow that too was reenergizing, like a little touch of home. I think knowing that I’ll see my parents in a couple days is why I haven’t been homesick, but it is easy to miss the comforts of the States.

The Wall

Checkpoint Charlie...

...and the current US embassy

So much beer...

Party Time Berlin

Sachsenhausen

Potsdamer Platz

Revenge of the Sith: A Plot Summary

webmaster — Mon, 30 May 2005 17:26:02 +0000

I saw Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith yesterday, and figured I’d share my pain.

ANAKIN: Hello, I am Hayden… I mean, Anakin Skywalker. I’m sorry that your boyfriend dragged you to this movie, but look how pretty my hair is. In about an hour there will be some awkward romantic dialogue, so go to the bathroom during this space fight.
OBI-WAN: Anakin, you are rebellious and constantly disobey my orders, but since it always seems to turn out for the best I will find it endearing and ignore the other Jedi when they tell me you are dangerous. Look out! There’s an ILM render farm at 10 o’clock!
R2D2: I will inexplicably play a pivotal role in this battle, using abilities that I have somehow lost by Episode IV.
DROIDS: Throughout this movie we will not fire our weapons at the Jedi, even if their backs are turned to us.
DOOKU: Now that I have crushed Obi-Wan with a large chunk of spaceship, I will forget how to operate a lightsaber and let you beat me.
PALPATINE: Do I look enough like the Emperor yet or have you people still not caught on? Would it help if I told Anakin to kill this guy?
ANAKIN: I know that is a bad idea, and will emphasize my point with exaggerated facial expressions, but then again, what the hell?
DOOKU: [Dies.]
OBI-WAN: Surprise! I am completely unharmed and will remain so no matter how much I get the crap beat out of me.
ANAKIN: That was a close call, but my piloting skills and good looks got us through it. I suppose it’s unfortunate that we just crashed a spaceship into the middle of a city, but at least we weren’t hurt. Does my hair look OK?
OBI-WAN: You have the hair of an angel, Anakin. In spite of the fact that I am a powerful Jedi Master, I cannot detect George Lucas’ fumbling attempts at foreshadowing and I am not at all upset that you just assassinated an unarmed man. Notice how that pun was funnier than anything in this movie?

PADME: Even though you are 10 years older than when we met, I am still a smoking hottie. If Hayden Christensen can hit this, there might be hope for you in the audience, too. Better watch the movie a few more times to be sure. Oh yeah, I’m pregnant. Somehow it took me seven or eight months to notice.
ANAKIN: That makes me happy, but not enough so that I will spend any time with you or stop trying to get myself killed. Also, we can’t tell anyone.
PADME: Apparently women are different in a galaxy far, far away, because I agree completely.
ANAKIN: You are going to die. That makes me sad, but again, not enough so to change anything.
PADME: You were right about your mother’s death, but I’m sure this is different. Plus I can’t die until Luke and Leia are born, so there’s nothing to worry about.

PALPATINE: Anakin, I am going to appoint you to the Jedi Council.
ANAKIN: Sweet!
JEDI COUNCIL: Even though we value our independence, and we all think you’re dangerous, we’re cool with that. We’re going to piss you off by not making you a Jedi Master though.
ANAKIN: What?
JULES: English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?!
ANAKIN: I will throw a temper tantrum then!
JEDI COUNCIL: OK, we’ll piss you off more by sending Obi-Wan off to kill people, which, by the way, you really, really seem to like.
ANAKIN: Obi-Wan, I am sorry I lost my temper. Please let me placate you. Of course I will spy on my close friend. I’m just glad you don’t see that as a character flaw.
OBI-WAN: There is no need to placate me, Anakin. I couldn’t find my asshole with both hands and a Roto-Rooter. May the Force be with you.

OBI-WAN: I have come to kill you.
GRIEVOUS: I understand and will fight you one-on-one rather than ordering my droid army to kill you. You can tell I’ve killed a lot of Jedi because I have four lightsabers.
GEORGE LUCAS: Did you see that? FOUR lightsabers! Is this crap impressing anyone yet?!
OBI-WAN: Let’s have a fist fight! I’m sure I can beat a robotic soldier. Oops, I was wrong. I’ll just shoot you.
GRIEVOUS: [Explodes.]

ANAKIN: Grievous is dead and you should resign.
PALPATINE: I would but I’m evil. The audience knew; where the hell have you been?
ANAKIN: Oh, my golden tresses have blinded me to the truth! Frailty, thy name is Skywalker!
MACE WINDU: We’re here to arrest you.
INDUSTRIAL LIGHT AND MAGIC: That makes sense, but wouldn’t let us show off the cool lightning we found in After Effects.
MACE WINDU: Very well, even though you cut those other three Jedi in half with one blow, I will fight you to an exhilarating showdown at the edge of a bottomless pit, because falling a long way is just how Jedi are supposed to die, damn it.
ANAKIN: Not so fast! First they have to have their arm cut off.
MACE WINDU: [Dies.]
PALPATINE: Thank you, Anakin, or should I say… Darth Vader? Ha ha! Bet you didn’t see that coming!

OTHER JEDI: Even though we can use the Force to deflect laser beams in midair, we cannot tell that people are sneaking up behind us with guns. [Die.]
ANAKIN: I’m evil now. You guys got that, right? I will kill some unarmed children, just to drive home the point.
OBI-WAN: That thousand-foot fall could really sting if you weren’t invincible. Oh wait, you already knew I lived. Damn, I guess there won’t be any plot twists after all.
YODA: You’d think I would have seen this coming. Oh well, let’s go kill Palpatine and Vader.
OBI-WAN: But wouldn’t that make us just as evil as the thing we’re trying to destroy? Is it really right for us to charge across the galaxy enforcing our brand of justice and our system of government? Or could it be that there is no absolute right and wrong and we’re acting out of fear and misunderstanding, just like our purported enemies?
GEORGE LUCAS: Those are interesting issues, but they are beyond my abilities as a writer.
OBI-WAN: Right then. Kill my friend it is.

PADME: I am neither CGI nor a bad actor. Why am I not in this movie more often?
ANAKIN: Let’s face it sweetheart, you’re boring. Try swinging a lightsaber or something.
OBI-WAN: I have to kill Anakin because he’s evil, sorry. By the way, I sense that he is the father of your children, even though I’m the only person in the galaxy who couldn’t read his facial expressions.
PADME: I am not OK with that. In fact, I will go tell Anakin about it right now. Please don’t follow me.

ANAKIN: Padme, I’m evil now! Isn’t it great? You should become evil too.
PADME: Um, let me sleep on that and get back to you.
ANAKIN: Here’s a better idea: I’ll choke you but not finish the job, because otherwise Luke couldn’t be born.
OBI-WAN: Let’s have a protracted lightsaber duel.
ANAKIN: [Shrugs.] Yeah, I have a few minutes.

YODA: I can’t walk without a cane, but that doesn’t keep me from being the best lightsaber fighter ever.
PALPATINE: Ow! Stop kicking my shins!
YODA: You knocked me on the floor. Time to call it a day and turn the galaxy over to you.

PADME: Time to squeeze out the twins just before I kick the bucket.
OBI-WAN: Twins?!
PADME: Oh, for crying out loud, it isn’t like it’s really a plot twist. [Dies.]

PALPATINE: I’m sorry Vader, but you killed Padme.
VADER: Are you sure? I don’t remember that at all.
PALPATINE: Yup, take my word for it and don’t look into it on your own. Also, check out the Death Star.
VADER: Oh god, Padme has been killed by my hubris, or George Lucas’ plot hole; it’s hard to tell. You can’t see my face anymore, so I will express my anger in a more subtle way by destroying everything in the room that isn’t bolted down… Hey, is that the Death Star?

There, now burn eight bucks – it’s more fun to watch.

Scotty Doesn’t Know

webmaster — Tue, 19 Oct 2004 16:00:14 +0000

Best. Matt Damon. Movie. Ever.

I’ve watched Eurotrip three times in the past week, and I can not get this song out of my head.

Enjoy.

Stupidity

webmaster — Mon, 21 Jun 2004 02:07:21 +0000

I found this on Beth’s blog and felt obligated to perpetuate it. There was a study that concluded that all blog trends are derivative of other blogs.

Ok…you know the drill…copy and paste, bold the ones you’ve seen and add one to the list.

1. X-Men

2. The Craft

3. X2

4. Swimfan

5. Fellowship of the Ring

6. Finding Nemo

7. Peter Pan [the cartoon]

8. Home Alone

9. Aladdin

10. The Ring

11. 10 Things I Hate About You

12. Not Another Teen Movie

13. Spiceworld

14. 8 Mile

15. Bambi

16. Pirates of the Caribbean

17. Edward Scissorhands

18. Stepmom

19. My Best Friends Wedding

20. 101 Dalmations

21. Scream

22. Scream2

23. Scream3

24. Big Daddy

25. Billy Madison

26. Chamber of Secrets

27. Sorcerer Stone

28. Heartbreakers

29. Dumb & Dumber

30. Cruel Intentions

31. Scary Movie

32. Look Who’s Talking

33. Blade

34. Blade II

35. O

36. Titanic

37. Carrie

38. Carrie 2: The Rage

39. Daddy Day Care

40. Legally Blonde

41. Austin Powers

42. Storm of the Century

43. Oliver and Company

44. Two Towers

45. Return of the King

46. Mighty Ducks

47. Fast and the Furious

48. 2 Fast, 2 Furious

49. A Walk To Remember

50. Triple X

51. Beauty and the Beast

52. I Know What You Did Last Summer

53. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

54. Sound of Music

55. Mary Poppins

56. Tuck Everlasting

57. The Patriot

58. The Wizard of OZ

59. Teaching Ms. Tingle

60. Crossroads

61. Now and Then

62. Pearl Harbor

63. Just Married

64. Cast Away

65. Radio Flyer

66. Final Destination

67. Lady and the Tramp

68. Shallow Hal

69. 40 Days and 40 Nights

70. Bring It On

71. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

72. The Outsiders

73. The Matrix

74. Perfect Storm

75. Feardotcom

76. Never Been Kissed

77. Clueless

78. Bruce Almighty

79. Crazy/Beautiful

80. Remember the Titans

81. Girl, Interrupted

82. SWAT

83. Sixth Sense

84. PhoneBooth

85. The Lion King

86. Urban Legend

87. Nightflier

88. Lion King 2

89. Little Mermaid

90. American Pie

91. Center Stage

92. Scooby Doo

93. Bedazzled

94. Mrs. Doubtfire

95. Save the Last Dance

96. My Girl

97. American Beauty

98. Romeo & Juliet

99. Lost World

100. Casper

101. American History X

102. Bowling for Columbine

103. Original Sin

104. Tomb Raider

105. Tomb Raider 2

106. Gia

107. Hackers

108. Jackass

109. Jeepers Creepers

110. Jeepers Creepers 2

111. Gothika

112. American Wedding

113. Memento

114. They

115. Gone in 60 Seconds

116. The Good Girl

117. The Great Gatsby

118. Great Expectations

119. Scarface

120. God Father

121. Snatch

122. Fight Club

123. Empire records

124. Akira

125. Swordfish

126. Almost famous

127. The Breakfast Club

128. Chicago

129. 50 First Dates

130. Pi

131. Rocky Horror Picture Show

132. Freaks

133. The Nightmare Before Christmas

134. Big Fish

135. The Crow

136. Aimee and Jaguar

137. Kissing Jessica Stein

138. But I’m a Cheerleader

139. Lost Souls

140. Prozac Nation

141. Lost and Delirious

142. Show Me Love

143. Ponette

144. Norma Jean and Marilyn

145. Dawn Of The Dead (the original)

146. Back to the Future

147. Back to the Future 2

148. Back to the Future 3

149. Meet the Parents

150. He Said, She Said

151. Sleeping Beauty

152. Stigmata

153. American Beauty

154. The Life of David Gale

155. Go

156. Shawshank Redemption

157. Evil Dead

158. Happy Gilmore

159. Swingers

160. Good Will Hunting

161. Boondock Saints

162. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

163. Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh-eating, Hellbound, Crawling, Zombified, Living Dead: Part II

164. Amelie

165. Legends of the Fall

166. What Dreams May Come

167. Shakespeare In Love

168. Braveheart

169. Donnie Darko

170. Run Lola Run

171. Mystery Science Theatre 3000: The Movie

I bolded a distressing number of titles on that list. I mean, seriously… Cruel Intentions?