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Things I Hate #87: Mamma Mia!

I just saw Mamma Mia!.

Maybe if you punch me in the balls Ill wake up and still be James Bond.

Maybe if you punch me in the balls I'll wake up and still be James Bond.

Wow. First of all, Pierce Brosnan should not sing. Ever. None of the main characters, with the exception of Meryl Streep, is even mediocre (they average about three lines per song before background singers bail them out), but his voice is like dragging an asthmatic cat across a blackboard. I spent a lot of this movie chuckling snidely, but the only times I actually laughed out loud were when I could tell Pierce was about to open his mouth.

And by the way, why is the exclamation point there? Is it just to force people to type sentences like, “I just saw Momma Mia!”? Well, I called your bluff, Universal. I only wish there was a punctuation mark that was the opposite of the exclamation point. A period just doesn’t do this movie justice.

To be fair, calling it a “movie” is a little misleading. The plot is borderline nonexistent, and by the end I still hadn’t caught all the main character’s names: that’s how little dialogue there is. It’s the flimsiest possible pretext for doing 90 minutes of ABBA songs in 108 minutes. There are three additional songs in the credits, just in case you hadn’t gotten enough ABBA yet. And there’s a reason those guys only topped the charts in Sweden. So this wasn’t the worst two hours of my life, but only because I’ve had dental surgery.

Critical and popular reaction to Mamma Mia! seems to be mixed; some reviewers point out the sketchy plot, lackluster singing, poor character development, and the winning combination of breakneck pacing with interminable length, while others highlight the OMG I’M 15 AND I LOOOOOVE ABBA! The movie rates a 6.7 at IMDb; that’s right: among people who are willing to watch Mamma Mia!, it gets three stars.

Which I guess brings me to the biggest problem with the film. The only people who will even be able to tolerate it are rabid ABBA fans. And if that’s your rationale for watching it, why not just listen to the music in the first place? The only way for a normal person to get through this movie is by drinking heavily. Don’t start at the beginning, though; you’ll want to be good and liquored up in time for the first scene.

Fuck you, Mamma Mia!.

1 comment to Things I Hate #87: Mamma Mia!

  • Luce

    Whew, and here I was despairing that I seem to be the only one who hated this vapid, idiotic film. Mamma Mia (I omit their pointless puncuation) acts out in painful detail every narcissitic excuse for self-spectacle and a few I hadn’t even thought of previously.
    It’s the kind of stupid film which actually IS bad for people. It effectively validates and perpetuates a wholesale disregard of local culture or thoughtful reasonable social behaviour. It is about nothiing more or less than a gang of self-obssessed rich children playing on someone else’s beach, indulging every whim and caprice without the slightest regard for others or their local environment.
    Eeeeeesh, I feel like I’ve been wiped down with an oily cloth. Eeeeew.
    This film zooms to new #1 on my Most Hated Films list.

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